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06/08/2005: "chaos is me."
casei, mudei, não avisei.
gente lendo por cima do ombro me deixa nervosa.
gente mastigando com a boca aberta e cutucando o nariz com a naturalidade de quem amarra um tênis desamarrado.
é conseguir sugar todo o romanticismo que poderia talvez restar naquela velha história de dance like nobody's watching.
tão igual, talvez até por isso, tão diferente de love like you've never been hurt.
mas isso eu consigo. abafar as vozinhas, na hora de mergulhar de cabeça na piscina que há anos e anos já está vazia, vou sem pensar duas vezes. sangue no azulejo. repete.
viver como se fosse o último dia, então. pfe. mais ainda. por isso não tenho um rumo. por isso não faço grandes planos. por isso estou flutuando por aí, ora bêbada, ora drogada, ora só flutuando.
é perturbador parar pra pensar que gastamos 90% das nossas vidas fazendo coisas do tipo, procurando um pé de sapato debaixo da cama. ou esperando a torradeira. os momentos que nos definem são as quebras na rotina. escolher todos os dias usar uma roupa 'diferente' é tão rotina quanto usar um terno para trabalhar. o problema é quando a falta de rotina vira uma rotina, e de repente você passou 5 dias sem dormir, gastou tudo que tinha, foi nadar bêbada de madrugada, fez um monte de merda na rua, e isso não é nenhuma novidade.
aí surge a oportunidade de crescer e aparecer. e rotina por rotina, a minha pelo menos inclui rir até o estômago doer.
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